For Mature Audiences Only

DISCLAIMER: Due to excessive use of the words "penis" and "dick" and other lewd and lascivious terminology, the following blog is rated R. If you are under the age of 18 or you possess the maturity level of a person under the age of 18, STOP HERE!! Keep in mind that the following blog is written purely in a comedic sense. Please do not take offense to anything written here. If you wish to continue, read on and enjoy.









SHIT YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW:
Chapter 3: The Difference Between Penis and Dick

I bet y'all didn't know that there was a difference between penis and dick...YEP!! And I'm here to break down the difference between the two, and their categories.

What is penis? Penis is ok. If you were to compare it to dick, penis would be a Red Lobster, at best. Where as dick would be Ruth Chris. Penis only does what it was created for, intercourse and procreation. Nothing less, and most definitely nothing more. Think about it...have you ever heard a man bragging about having some "good PENIS"? NO! He always says what? "Girl, I got that good dick."


THE 3 CATEGORIES OF PENIS:

*What-Is-This?! Penis- this type of penis serves absolutely NO purpose. This is the type of sex where you just stare at the ceiling and wonder how you got yourself into this horrendous predicament. The only positive thing about this type of penis is that it's usually done in 10 minutes or less.

*Blah Penis- The owner of blah penis almost always thinks he's doing the absolute greatest job ever. If you just really want some, then you'll lay there taking it and wish on everything that you cum and he does so in a hurry. On the flip side, if you aren't desperate you'll tell him to get up so you can go on about your business.

*I Can't Believe It's Not Dick Penis- this type of penis will surprise you and give the performance of good dick. The only thing that keeps it from being called dick is that this type of penis is not consistent and often falls back into the category of "Blah Penis". Therefore, it can never "rise" to dick status (pun intended).



Now, let's talk about the categories of dick. The best thing about dick is there's a variety.



*Get Right Dick- this type of dick is tried and true. Its guaranteed to give you at least one or two sexual eruptions.

*Gangsta Dick- gangsta dick will start off nice, but it does NOT play. Only deal with this type of dick if you have health insurance, because there's a chance that you'll get hemmed up, choked, or even come close to passing out. Basically, if you come out feeling like you were just in a fight and need medical attention, you've more than likely experienced Gangsta Dick.

*Euphoria Dick- makes you feel extremely silly and bubbly. Similar to the feeling you get after smoking weed(or so I've heard). You are happy and satisfied and feel all your stress melting away.

*Chipotle Dick- this type does the perfect mix of everything. This is the kind where you get the proper freak down and get up feeling refreshed and lucky to have a vagina. The down-side to this type is that it is highly addictive. So if you can't get the chipotle dick on lockdown and are likely to go into stalker mode, then I suggest you leave chipotle dick alone.



So, those are the differences. I hope you learned something, or at least got a good laugh. Ladies, go gauge the kind you've had. Fellas, go ask someone to gauge the type you are. Because I would hate for you to be out there thinking you have that Chipotle Dick when in actuality you possess Blah Penis. <*~BLANKSTARE~*>

For Colored Girls

I came across this movie trailer and it looks like it's going to be something powerful. The only thing that has me a lil' anxious/nervous/side-eye'n is the fact that it's a Tyler Perry film. I sincerely hope Tyler doesn't fuck this one up and turn it into some of that Madea bullshit we're so used to seeing from him. But from the looks of the preview, it won't be and this will be the first TP movie i'll actually pay my hard earned money to go see in a theater. (I'm gonna read the book first.)

*sidenote: I think I'm gonna take one of my white friends to go see this one...it's only appropriate.

Shit You Should Already Know: Sneak Peek #2

Here is another look at my book, in hair stores near you Spring 2011


SHIT YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW:
Chapter 2: Change Is Good, But Not Always Possible

"I wonder why so many women are more confident in their abilities to CHANGE a no good man than they are in their abilities to FIND a good one."


Some women must have never been told, so I'm gonna tell them...YOU CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE!! If a person, in this case a man, doesn't want to change, there is nothing you can do to make him. You can love him all you want, give him whatever he wants, and run whatever "game" you think you're running, but the shit won't change.

And don't even begin to think just because you read it in an urban novel that the power of pussy is going to get you anywhere...it's not!! Women like to believe they have the power in a relationship because we can withhold the pussy...but if we really had the power, we wouldn't need to withhold the pussy in the first place. When you lay down together everything is all good, but when you get up, he's the same little boy that just sweated out your weave, fucked up your sheets, and left pleased. He's stupid and you're dumb.

We women know what kind of men we're getting. We just like to believe we can change them. I'm sorry to be the one to say this, but nothing about you is dynamic enough to change a man. It kills me when women get with a man with the intentions of changing him. Ummmmm..... WRONG!! I want to just shake the hell out of these females, rewind the entire "relationship", and pin point every time she should have kicked gravel and traveled.

Been So Long

For approximately 3 months I had an extreme love affair goin' on with Baumhauers Wings Restaurant. I went there at minimum 3 times a week and got the exact same meal every time. A small order of honey barbecue wings and a side order of gooey fries. Just tyoing that made me crave their yummy goodness. It got so bad that the waitresses knew me by name and order. When I would arrive to pick up my order, they would greet me as if I worked there, "Hey Jovan!!" It was then that I realized I was spending too much time (and waaaaayyy too much money) there and I decided to give it up cold turkey....or chicken. I can say with pride that on Saturday I will be celebrating 1 month of sobriety.

I dedicate this song to my beloved Wings....Oh, how I miss thee.

SHIT YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW: Sneak Peek

Here is a sneak peek at my new book...in a barber shop/beauty salon near you Spring 2011


SHIT YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW
Chapter 1: If Dating Is A Game...Why Can't We Both Win?

"Duck Duck Goose!! Soooooooo, I guess I'm the chosen one. I chase you...you chase me. In circles we go. Running nowhere in particular. Just for fun, I guess. Boy, these games we play have GOT to stop!!"



Whether we want to admit it or not, in ALL relationships, games will be played. Men and women have become so accustomed to this game playing that we don't know how to have a meaningful relationship/friendship without them. Think about the dumb shit we do when "getting to know" someone. Not answering when they call to see if they'll call again...giving our partner the silent treatment for no apparent reason, just because...playing phone tag with your crush...the list goes on and on. In the midst of all this game playing, we have forgotten how to have healthy courtships and dating relationships. We have become too busy and focused on coming out as the winner of said games that we miss the opportunity for a healthy meaningful union. You continue the game playing and become stunned when you realize that your "opponent" has stopped playing or moved on to someone who was playing a little more fairly. Then what? you're on to the next one playing the same games, never realizing that eventually you and your potential mate must play on the same team and work towards a common goal.

Wanna know where my patience has completely dwindled? My interactions with men. I have truly lost the desire to play chess with them. Yes, I do think you're attractive...I like you..you like me...Let's just say that and move on to bigger and better possibilities. All this back and forth chasing has to end. I could continue to play this game with you...but why? I'm at a point where my desire to beat around the bush is gone. It's sad that courting has dissolved to this point...very sad.

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